


The CHIRPP Heard Round the Nation

by sapphee



Series: Overly Honest Methods: Hockey Science Edition [6]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: All the relationships are very slight, Bad Puns, Coming Out (brief mention), Designated Attachment Training Exercises, Drunk Canadian Scientists, Drunk Scientists, Food Fight, Gen, Google Document, Hockey Science, M/M, Nursey's four moms are here too, Off-screen Proposal, Press Article, Scientists of Hockey who are Inebriated but Trying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-18 18:58:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8172404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphee/pseuds/sapphee
Summary: The CHIRPP Heard Round the Nation
By ANONYMOUSMay 17, 2017    NOTE: The writers of this article originally contacted the individuals mentioned in this article for an interview for their own publication, after they found the draft the individuals wrote unfit for print. They polished the article the best they could, but apparently it still wasn’t good enough for their own student-led publication, so they gave it to us, under the condition that we withhold the writers' identities. This was the result.





	1. The CHIRPP Heard Round the Nation (The Swallow)

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE 10/24/16: This has been officially copy-edited. There was some added content to chapter 2 of this, but not much (just some more lines I thought of - nothing that changes the plot/ending in any way)
> 
> First off, unlike with the very first fic of this series with the experiment, I have no experience with journalism, which is why I have an excuse for why this is so bad *sweats*
> 
> Second, you were probably expecting this, but yes, I did get another idea for this 'verse. It will be the VERY LAST THING, I promise. I know I promised it before, but this is the real last thing, and I am not lying. Just ONE MORE (as the second chapter to this) and it will finally be all over and I can finally move on.
> 
> What you are about to read is an anonymous article published in the Swallow (written by our favorite Daily sports writers, May and June, who replaced March and April when they graduated). What happened was that the rough draft that SMH wrote was not what they were looking for, so May and June tried to salvage it by conducting interviews. That did not work, and they couldn't embarrass the Daily like that, but they also didn't want to let this just sit untouched in a drafts folder, so they gave it to the Swallow instead.
> 
> Going along with the way the rest of the series has been, in terms of playing around with different ways to write/frame scenes, the very last thing will also be a press article - the rough draft the team wrote. In a Google doc. That's right, I am going to attempt to tell a story through the structure/format of a Google doc. 
> 
> That was the original thing that I wanted to write to close off this series, but when I started writing it, it sounded a lot more like two outsiders doing interviews with the team, and it seemed like a shame to scrap that. I debated whether to make the Swallow article or the rough draft be the first chapter so that you can see the changes, but then decided it didn't matter, as the size of the impact would be roughly the same, regardless of the order. (Also you don't find out here why they left the CHIRPP early, because I haven't figured that out yet so this buys me some time *sweats*)
> 
> Thanks as always to Ngozi for Check Please! I'd also like to note that her visual stuff and everything is AMAZING and is actually what got me experimenting with how I framed/wrote scenes for this series. <3

**The CHIRPP Heard Round the Nation**  
  
By ANONYMOUS  
May 17, 2017

_NOTE: The writers of this article originally contacted the individuals mentioned in this article for an interview for their own publication, after they found the draft the individuals wrote unfit for print. They polished the article the best they could, but apparently it still wasn’t good enough for their ~~own student-led~~ publication, so they gave it to us, under the condition that we withhold the writers' identities. This was the result._

_DISCLAIMER: While the following sentiments were not originally expressed by us, they_ could have been.

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND—Despite the Providence Falconers’ bitter defeat in the first round of playoffs last year by the eventual Stanley Cup-winning Las Vegas Aces, the two NHL teams came together in April to co-sponsor a hockey science conference at the Zimmermann Ice Rink (no relation to the NHL players—the ice rink’s namesake is the figure skater Lauren Zimmermann). That’s right, an academic conference to showcase researchers’ contributions to the field of hockey science.

“And why not?” Georgia “George” Martin said. In addition to being the Falconers’ assistant general manager, Martin co-led the Planning Council of the Committee of Research, Examination, Analysis, Science, and Experimentation (CREASE) with retired NHL legend Robert “Bad Bob” Zimmermann and his son, Providence Falconers forward Jack “Zimmboni” Zimmermann (#15). “Sports fans and athletes in general are often stereotyped to be all anger and brawn, no brains whatsoever. No interest in the beauty of science or the journey inherent in conducting research. But that’s not true. Any time you see athletes execute a successful play—that’s the result of training, practicing, and _experimenting_ , to figure out how to get what needs to be gotten.”

But there _are_ jocks. “While I’m not denying that there are plenty of people who are like that, there are just as many who don’t fit that bill, but the non-jocks are quieter. Less visible. So our goal with forming the CREASE was to celebrate those fans and shatter perceptions that hockey is meant only for angry, homophobic white boy jocks. While they are undoubtedly part of our incredibly diverse fan base, they don’t comprise the entirety of it, and we want _all_ of our fans to feel welcome,” Martin said.

The other faces of the CREASE were quick to agree that hockey could always use more fans. “ _I_ could always use more fans,” Aces captain Kent “Parse” Parson said. “Seriously, though, the problem isn’t just with hockey. It’s with all sports. Women are always accused of pretending to be sports fans because they’re trying to attract men; female athletes are paid much less than male athletes; female athletes are accused of looking manly and subjected to all sorts of transphobic comments. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We need to change public perceptions and connotations of being into sports, whether for fans or players, and I believe this conference is a first step toward doing that. I’m also hoping that other sports leagues will follow our lead.”

“That is why the Falconers and Aces come together for the CHIRPP,” Falconers defenseman Alexei “Tater” Mashkov said. “[The Aces] might kick our butts last year, but in this, we have common goal. We all love hockey, we all want everyone else to love hockey.”

“I consider myself lucky because my wife Alicia loves hockey as much as I do,” Robert Zimmermann said. “Some of my teammates’ partners never managed to cultivate an interest in hockey beyond knowing what a Zamboni is. We were hoping that organizing this conference would help fix that.”

 “Being able to play professional hockey has been a dream come true, certainly,” Jack Zimmermann said. “But I also really appreciated getting to have the experience of a liberal arts education at Samwell, even with all the science requirements. Hockey’s great, science is great… so why not both?”

The 15th Conference for Hockey Innovations in Research, Policy, and Practice (CHIRPP) was held on April 19-20, 2017. While that is certainly where it ended up, where did it start? “Depends on who you ask,” Martin said. “Officially, for the Falconers, planning for the conference was set into motion when one of our players, Alexei Mashkov, sent me a report written by Jack Zimmermann’s old college classmates.”

How _did_ it end, by the way? “Depends on who you ask,” Martin said. “Officially, for the Falconers, successfully.”

* * *

  **THE HISTORY OF HOCKEY ACADEMIA**

Hockey science is a decades-old discipline that never reached mainstream approval—or even acknowledgment—until now. In its nascent years, the only two researchers in the field were Nicholas and Jean-Claude, hailing from Quebec, Canada. The two men met at an informal hockey match in the fall of 1944.

Nicholas, a chemist, was a forward on the local hockey team; Jean-Claude, a statistician, was just a spectator. However, as their friendship deepened, they discovered that they had a mutual love for both hockey and statistics, as well as for each other. They convinced the captain of Nicholas’s team Pierre Beaumont (now deceased) to allow them to conduct experiments to improve gameplay, leading to Jean-Claude’s unofficial role as the team analyst.

Their first discovery?

“Name fission,” Nicholas said. “Or nicknames. Whatever you want to call it.”

“We derived formulae for nickname creation,” Jean-Claude explained. “Once we did that, everyone started using those. Neat, eh?”

Beaumont disagreed, but he allowed them to continue their research when one of Nicholas and Jean-Claude’s suggestions led to Nicholas’s first hat trick. “And the team’s,” Nicholas added.

Soon, other local teams caught wind of two eccentric hockey scientists with the ability to work miracles on players’ abilities. Checks could be more quickly shaken off; chirps could be more devastating; spins could be executed on hockey skates. Hockey science research was picked up by other individuals and furthered through secretive late night phone calls, and  research topics eventually made their way to a tiny corner of the Internet.

Nicholas and Jean-Claude became swarmed with requests to work with other teams, and Nicholas even had to quit his own team because he could no longer juggle the team with his day job as a chemist and now his night job as a hockey scientist. However, being a hockey scientist did not pay well, nor was it prestigious. In fact, being a hockey scientist was the very _opposite_ of prestigious; even though they have since retired, to protect their professional reputations in their daytime workplaces, Nicholas, Jean-Claude, and other hockey scientists are only known by their middle names, even on their publications. (Nowadays, hockey scientists continue to be known only by their middle names because it is a well-known fact that every pair of hockey scientists is in a romantic relationship and some live in countries where same-gender relationships are still considered illegal. However, that is changing—upcoming hockey scientists Adam Birkholtz and Justin Oluransi have decided not to hide their identities. “It’s 2017, bro. Plus, after what definitely did not happen at the CHIRPP, I’m only more determined to not hide who I am,” Oluransi said.)

Because of the Internet, hockey scientists from other countries were able to connect with each other, forming a small but active professional organization by 1992. The professional organization of hockey science is formally known as the Scientists of Hockey who are Inebriated but Trying (colloquially known as the Drunk Hockey Scientists, the organization's abbreviation is unfit for print, even for us). In addition to the 18 scientists of the Hockey Nations, Birkholtz and Oluransi were declared honorary representatives of the organization at the CHIRPP, making them the first international hockey science collaborators.

Similar to the United Nations, the hockey scientists select a pair of researchers from each country to represent nine Hockey Nations every five years. The 18 scientists are in charge of publishing the hockey science journal, _Hockey Eh?_ , which began as zines. They published zines once a year, until the organization suffered financial difficulties during the housing market crash of 2008. The Drunk Hockey Scientists have been publishing volumes of _Hockey Eh?_ on an online community archive ever since.

"We knew we were never going to be as highly esteemed as _Science_ , but when we didn't even make the directory for academic journals, we were shocked," Nicholas said.

"Thank hockey for Our Very Own Archive, eh?" Jean-Claude added.

For the last two decades, the Drunk Scientists have been experiencing difficulties recruiting new members, but that may all change with the CHIRPP.

“We’ve been so fortunate to have this platform to share our colleagues’ contributions to the field,” Jean-Claude said. “All of us would like to thank Ransom and Holster for rekindling our own passion for conducting this research and for sparking the public’s interest in it. Because of Holsom's [sic] earnest curiosity and the generosity of the Aces and the Falcs, hockey science is receiving recognition never seen before.”

“And the explication,” Nicholas said. “Hockey science’s obscurity is directly caused by its lack of transparency. Most of us hockey scientists come from an age where theft of ideas motivated us to keep our methods secret. All these newfangled open-source things of today were unheard of, even 20 years ago. We didn’t even release an official definition of hockey science until five years ago, and before that, no one even knew how to describe it. Not that they did, because no one but us talked about hockey science.”

“Now that the CHIRPP has kicked hockey science’s popularity into hyperdrive, I strongly believe that hockey science will continue to exist for at least the next 30 years,” Jean-Claude said.

“Maybe 20, if Ransom and Holster decide to start a family,” Nicholas said. “We almost stopped conducting research ourselves when we started ours, remember?”

“Yeah, 20,” Jean-Claude agreed. “At least we won’t be around to witness the death of hockey science.”

* * *

**THE EXPERIMENT**

The college classmates of Jack Zimmermann responsible for the experiment that inspired the CHIRPP are recent Samwell University alumni, Justin “Ransom” Oluransi ’16 and Adam “Holster” Birkholtz ’16. Both are big fans of the two most prominent hockey scientists in the world, Nicholas and Jean-Claude of Quebec, Canada. “Ransom got the idea to conduct our own research after he found dusty volumes of the hockey science journal  _Hockey Eh?_  hiding under the Corner Jockey of No Ownership and Definitely Not Mine. We started off small, analyzing our team’s statistics, before Jack made a passing comment about having a team historian. That's when we started analyzing old records of team lineups long graduated. Once we finished that, the project kept getting bigger—soon we were also replicating Nicholas and Jean-Claude’s experiments with ourselves and the occasional willing, curious teammate.”

But where did Oluransi and Birkholtz get the idea to conduct the research that inspired Martin to contact her wife Mirabel’s grandparents—the very Canadian hockey scientists themselves?

Oluransi and Birkholtz shared a knowing look. “Bros, Nicholas and Jean-Claude are _amazing_ ,” Oluransi said. “They were pioneers for various hockey phenomena, like hockey butts and nicknames. They led the field in celly identification! But what they just could not do was replicate their date method study, no matter how many times they  _and_ their peers tried, and that frustrated me.”

Conducted by Nicholas and Jean-Claude in 1985, their date method study established that Designated Attachment Training Exercises (dates) played a causal role in strengthening team partnerships, which had already been discovered to be key in improving gameplay. The finding renewed the field’s interest in uncovering the secrets to improving team partnerships, as well as coaches’ zeal for team bonding events and awkward icebreakers. However, when the study failed to be replicated several times, the date method fell out of favor with all but its strongest proponents.

One of those proponents was Oluransi. “As soon as I read through all their failed attempts, even before I conducted a meta-analysis of those studies, I knew why the date method didn’t work. The purpose of the date method is to build a relationship between two teammates. In all cases but the original study, the members in the defense pairings studied already had a relationship. You can’t build a relationship that’s already there!”

“Ransom already knew the date method wouldn’t work with the two of us because we were already besties by then,” Birkholtz said. “But he always was a huge nerd, so we went through with it ourselves once to confirm that there was no causal link between dates and our partnership. Our _relationship_ , though…”

“Even though I was expecting it, our finding that the connection between dates and team partnerships was inconclusive was disappointing,” Oluransi said. “We moved on to other projects after that, but I never stopped thinking about it.”

Then, the perfect case study dropped into their laps. “Literally,” Oluransi said. “Our newest recruits had been arguing since arriving for their first practice, when one of them tripped and knocked the other over. Both of them fell on us when Holster and I were putting on our gear. They’re lucky that neither got a skate to the jugular.”

The perfect case study in question is the current defense pairing for Samwell Men’s Hockey (SMH), comprising current juniors Derek “Nursey” Nurse and William “Dex” Poindexter. “First we left them alone, writing down our observations of their partnership with the help of our goalie Chowder [Christopher Chow, ‘18], because while all past SMH d-pairs clicked pretty quickly, we just thought [Nursey and Dex] needed a little more time,” Birkholtz said. “We thought they’d get it together eventually.”

“But they didn’t,” Oluransi said.

“No,” Birkholtz agreed. “We realized that at the beginning of our senior year, when the first thing they did upon seeing each other was push each other into the swimming pool during the swim team’s practice.”

“The swim team was  _not_ happy with us,” Oluransi said. “And neither were we, with Nursey and Dex, because their arguing affected them on the ice, too. Our senior year was obviously the last time that we would be playing for SMH. We were also captains. If we had graduated and left Nursey and Dex still clawing at each other, we would’ve never forgiven ourselves. Holster and I were the best d-pair in the ECAC—we could _not_ leave the team to struggle with the worst.”

“We wouldn’t have been the worst,” Poindexter said.

“Yeah, that honor would’ve gone to Fartvard,” Nurse said. “Like it always does.”

Speaking of which, what happened to—

The four of them exchanged uneasy looks. “We’re not really authorized to speak on that,” Birkholtz said. “Signed an NDA and everything.”

“Let’s not,” Nurse said. “I miss pie.”

“Even though their arguments would get ugly, the enmity between Nursey and Dex was actually a blessing in disguise, because their dynamics resembled the dynamics of the participants in the original date method study most closely,” Birkholtz continued. “Once we realized that, we quickly sketched out the experiment and asked them if they’d do it.”

“We agreed, obviously,” Nurse said. He darted away from Poindexter’s elbow, steadfastly ignoring Poindexter’s frantic whispers to answer professionally. “Since the CHIRPP happened and all.”

“I believe what Nursey is trying to say is, while we didn’t like each other all that much back then, both of us were committed to playing the best hockey we could and to doing that _together_ ,” Poindexter said.

But do you like each other now? Was the experiment successful?

Poindexter flushed. “Yeah, I’d say so.”

“Aw, babe!” Nurse said.

* * *

**ON-ICE ASSESSMENT DEMONSTRATIONS (FT. SAMWELL MEN’S HOCKEY, PROVIDENCE FALCONERS, LAS VEGAS ACES)**

As the CHIRPP’s guests of honor, Ransom and Holster were given the opportunity to hold a live demonstration of the on-ice assessments they used to measure the progression of Nurse and Poindexter’s relationship. Nurse and Poindexter paired up with each other and then with four different individuals from SMH, the Falcs, and the Aces to complete each assessment (as defensemen they have or have not played with, and as non-defensemen that they have or have not played with). As each assessment had to be conducted with five pairings and had at least five trials, the demonstrations were split into four parts.

These demonstrations were held in the ice rink on the floor above the lobby, where presenters were introducing their research. The live demonstrations had very limited performance; only a total of 50 person were allowed in each time, no exceptions. Each conference day saw two demonstrations,, one in the morning and one in the afternoon.

“They always started with Nursey and Dex completing the on-ice assessment together, to show everyone how attuned to each other they are,” Christopher Chow said. “Not because Ransom and Holster wanted to get that part over with quickly, since Nursey and Dex had some interpersonal problems that would make everyone suspect that Ransom and Holster faked their data. Nope. It was just to show everyone the high standards of excellence that SMH has for itself. Ourselves. Themselves? What was the question? Yes.”

Nurse and Poindexter were uncannily in sync during each of the assessments (check inthecrease.org for the footage). In one assessment that required both participants to pass the puck to each other while they wore blindfolds, Nurse and Poindexter made the ten passes perfectly. When the puck made contact with one defenseman’s stick, it was immediately followed by the other defenseman’s stick hitting the puck.

“It was like music,” Jack Zimmermann said wistfully. “It _is_ music. I’m so proud of them.”

In contrast, when Mashkov tried to pass the puck to Nurse, the puck bounced off the glass behind Nurse’s head.

“Not my proudest moment,” Mashkov said. “But I throw stick into net after that perfectly without looking, see? Is new Mashkov No-Look One-Timer.”

“Yeah, it did feel different,” Nurse said. “Ransom and Holster didn't tell us who we'd be paired up for the live demonstrations, or when, but because of the experiment, I can sense when I'm on the ice with Dex or with someone else. When I’m on the ice with Dex, I always know where he is and what he’s doing, even if my eyes are closed. If I were to put in order who I worked with during the assessments best to worst, it’d probably be like this: Dex, Ransom, Ollie, Tater, Swoops.”

“Not to say that Nursey and I were, because we definitely weren’t, but even if we were having some relationship—I mean, interpersonal—problems while doing those assessments, we’d still be in sync. Our partnership is a force to be reckoned with, I’m confident to say. My partnerships with Holster, Wicks, Parse, and Thirdy should probably never be spoken of ever again,” Poindexter said. “So yeah, I’m definitely proud of how far we’ve come and what we’ve accomplished so far. I honestly can’t wait to see where the future takes us.”

“[Nurse and Poindexter] are going to dominate,” Parson added.

“Watching them play together is poetry in motion,” Chow said, sighing. “That three-legged lap around the rink between Dex and Parse was a hot mess that made me thankful that Parse’s butt is insured for, like, a million dollars. But the one with Dex and Nursey? Art. Love. The first bite of an apple before you remember you don’t even like apples because no one likes apples, except in pie. I’m so thankful I got to see them in action.”

“I’m also really glad we were able to hold these demonstrations of the assessments because so many people finally saw what SMH is capable of, you know?” Jack Zimmermann added. “So many people think of Samwell as that quirky liberal arts college with a hockey team lucky enough to have scouts visiting every year. But it’s not as coincidental as it sounds, because we work hard, and then we win. It’s just a shame that we weren’t able to finish all of the demonstrations. But we still won! And with protein, nonetheless!” 

* * *

**ACCESSIBILITY OF HOCKEY ACADEMIA**

Hockey does not have as big a following in the U.S. as it does in Canada. To non-hockey fans, the minefield of superstitions is an effective deterrent.

“What _anyone_ has done to the Stanley Cup, too, LBR,” Lane Malik-Oakes said, wrinkling her nose and elbowing her wife back, when her wife mouthed "LBR?" at her. “But our son plays hockey, so we’ve started getting into it.”

“But the CHIRPP’s been fantastic in helping us understand hockey,” Nora Malik-Oakes said. “I’m really starting to understand locker room culture, hockey superstitions, the art of the celly…”

What about the actual game? Has the CHIRPP succeeded in making hockey accessible to those who aren’t full-time hockey fans?

“I was getting to that,” Nora Malik-Oakes said. “I’ve started to understand how those things contribute to improving hockey game performance. It’s way more than just about hockey butts and hockey flow.”

“Going back to what you were _actually_ asking, Ransom and Holster held a lecture on the basics of hockey at the beginning, complete with a theme song and even a backdrop change,” Noelle Nurse-Díaz said. “We already knew a bit from our son, so we weren’t completely lost, but _Hockey Crud with Ransom and Holster_ really helped drive it home.”

“The presenters were fantastic, too,” Marisol Nurse-Díaz said. “I have a much better idea of what hockey science is than when our son first tried to explain it to us. It’s just a shame that we couldn’t stay for the last panel. It looked so interesting!”

“Not that we could describe for you what hockey science is,” Noelle Nurse-Díaz said hastily. “It’s ineffable.”

“So was the beauty of that thing flying into—” Lane Malik-Oakes started to say, when Marisol Nurse-Díaz grabbed her arm.

“‘Swawesome,” Nora Malik-Oakes said sagely. She exchanged a high-five with Lane Malik-Oakes, while Noelle and Marisol Nurse-Díaz dragged them away.

“It was real nice talking to you, hons,” Marisol Nurse-Díaz said, as they walked off, toward the Samwell University parking lot. “Sorry we couldn’t stay longer. Got a long drive back to New York. Long story short, the CHIRPP was great at bringing us non-hockey fans together to rally around hockey in a way we understood. Thanks!”

“Especially the protein!” Nora Malik-Oakes shouted, valiantly trying to shake off her companions. “We definitely rallied with the protein!” 

* * *

  **STAND-OUT PRESENTATIONS**

 _Eat More Protein: Making Protein-Rich Foods Palatable_. “Oh, this one was definitely my favorite!” current SMH captain Eric “Bitty” Bittle said. “Hugo and Sigmund were presenting about protein powder. They even brought samples of the protein powders they’ve been producing for CHIRPP attendees to try, and let me tell you, it tastes a lot better than the stuff Jack drinks right now. I can mention Jack, right? Now that everyone knows? Anyway, it’s designed to mix very well with Gatorade and other sports drinks, which they also provided.”

Hugo and Sigmund have been working on a tastier, affordable protein powder for the past four years. Warm yellow and finely ground, ProTeam™ looks like confectioner’s sugar and can even be used as a substitute, whether to sweeten strawberries or to bake a pie. ProTeam™ will be appearing on shelves come June, promoted by this year’s winning Stanley Cup team.

“Thank goodness!” Bittle added. “I was really worried because of everything that happened—I was afraid that the NHL would drop their product and then all their work would have been for nothing. Not that anything happened. Anything you should be worrying about, at least.”

 _What What Hockey Butt: Effects of Diet and Exercise on Human Buttocks_. “This presentation was pretty sweet,” Larissa “Lardo” Duan said. “Sculpting the perfect butt isn’t an exact science yet—more of an art—but they’re getting really close. They had all these equations for graphing the curve of a hockey butt, and they’re working with the protein scientists Hugo and Sigmund to figure out the exact diet changes that need to occur for the athlete to achieve the perfect butt. The booty standards are, of course, modeled after the epitome of the hockey butt: the Zimmerbooty.”

Nicholas and Jean-Claude showcased a software program they developed that incorporates their equations to simulate hockey butts for hypothetical players. The program considers various diet plans to calculate affect the curvature of the hockey butt. “It’s like the Angelator from _Bones_ ,” Duan said. “But it actually exists.”

 _The Cup Runneth Over, But With What?: Reflections on Past Stanley Cup Celebrations_. “Brahs—is it okay I call you that?—my eyes were truly opened by Jakub and Viliam. Truly. All the decisions made with this Cup were beyond regretful, but glorious, the alcohol not as cheap, but plentiful, sanitary levels of the thing not necessarily reassuring, but still not too emotionally damaging,” B. “S.” Knight said, wiping his eye. “I’d just like to thank my best friend Jackaroni-and-Cheez-its that I was allowed to be here to witness the cutting-edge research that these hardworking people have been doing.”

“What are you talking about?” Jack Zimmermann said. “Of course you were allowed. You were on the VIP list!”

“Thank you!” Knight sobbed, flinging himself into Jack Zimmermann’s shoulder.

“Don’t get me wrong, the presentations were all pretty spectacular,” Jack Zimmermann said, patting Knight on the back awkwardly. “But if we were to talk about all of them, we’d be here forever. It’s definitely a shame we didn’t get to see the last presentation, but given how everything unfolded, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Not that anything unfolded. Everything that is supposed to happen at an academic conference happened, and nothing else. I mean, other than previously discussed plans with George, Bits, and myself about coming out. And presumably previously discussed plans with George, the Aces PR guy, Bits, Kenny, and Tater about Kenny and Tater coming out. That were not disclosed to me.”

* * *

**MAIN TAKEAWAYS**

“Sorry, but we really can’t say anything about why we left early,” Poindexter said. “We wrote about it in the rough draft, but before we showed it to you, the Falcs PR team came and redacted the whole section. But for main takeaways, the CHIRPP was successful in bringing hockey science the visibility it’s needed for a long time and in getting more people interested in hockey in general.”

“Since the CHIRPP, Hockey Twitter’s gained so many followers. The livestreams’ audiences have grown a lot, hockey players are getting recognized on the streets, and the Zimmerbooty’s made it to mainstream pop culture,” Nurse said. “Hockey’s popular! And so is hockey science—Drunk Scientist Pop! Vinyl figures are now in stores, and we’ve even had TV newscasters drive up to the Samwell hockey frat to ask us for interviews! Mostly to ask about Jack’s engagement, but there have been a few asking about the experiments.”

"Like two," Poindexter said.

"Shut up," Nurse said.

“ _Anyway_ , we’re so glad to have played our small part in bringing hockey science to the forefront of sports. Speaking as representatives of SMH, but also on behalf of Samwell University, we have only grown more dedicated to making sure that hockey is accessible and inclusive for everyone,” Poindexter said. “Not just jocks. Not that hockey fans who are also jocks are  _just_ jocks. I mean, _I’m_ not just a jock.”

“No, you’re a nerd, too,” Nurse said. “You practically live at the library on the weekends.”

“So do you,” Poindexter said. “And sometimes I’m at Annie’s, too.”

“Saturday, noon?” Nurse asked.

“Sure,” Poindexter said. “It’s a date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALSO: I was asked if I'd be willing to write in this 'verse forever. (I am.) What I'd like to do is perhaps start taking prompts or something because I am legit telling the truth now that I have no more ideas for this 'verse.
> 
> Fun facts: 
> 
> \- Jean-Claude and Nicholas's granddaughter, aka Georgia's wife, is named Mirabel, which is a place in Quebec. Georgia's the name of a state, so why not, right?? (Thank you to [Buzzfeed](https://www.buzzfeed.com/sarahaspler/ellesmere-meet-dawson?utm_term=.knVpb2LrXz#.baRdX461nW) for creating a page listing all the names that are also places in Canada so that I didn't have to search too hard)
> 
> -The color of the ProTeam powder is the same yellow as the color Ngozi uses for happy Zimbits love (I think). I've been writing this for the past few hours and am absolutely not thinking very clearly rn so if this is wrong, please let me know so that I can change it because I think protein powder that could double as sugar would probably be the most-used thing in the Zimbits household (you can probably tell I'm not a science person because this is most likely scientifically impossible)
> 
> (I will add more fun facts here if I remember them)
> 
> UPCOMING THINGS I WANT TO DO VERY SOON: the Google doc companion to this thing, reading through the whole series to check for inconsistencies/typos because I wrote all of these in fits and bursts where I'd write for like three days straight without much sleeping or proofreading, and then if there are prompts, those. Stay tuned!


	2. CREASE Article for The Daily (Google Document)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rough draft of the team-written article for the Daily, before May and June decided that it was not fit for print (Google Doc companion).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few notes for how to read this:
> 
> \- So for starters, the formatting might be weird for smaller screens because this whole fic is in a table so that I could have columns. The left column is the article, while the right is where people made comments. Also, the right column should be smaller but I have no idea how to fix that so I apologize. You should read row by row, left box before right box.
> 
> \- Sometimes there are underlined lines, and that's to differentiate the writers of that particular section (and to also imitate the "track changes" thing when a different person directly changes the document). 
> 
> \- As you may recall, Bitty shared a different document for Nursey's moms to write for their section (so that the team couldn't embarrass themselves in front of Nursey's moms any further). He copy-pasted what they wrote into the team's document here.
> 
> \- Some parts are in strikeout, and that's to imitate the track changes thingy again. Any parts in strikeout mean that they are deleted and therefore will not be seen by May and June. The very last section is completely in strikeout - please let me know if it's hard to read and I will definitely figure out another way to indicate that it was deleted before Bitty copy-pasted the article into a completely new document for May and June (so that May and June wouldn't see their comments)
> 
> \- Some parts end in "..." and that is to imply that there's more stuff written. I just didn't know what else to put so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> .....yeah. A google doc might just have been TOO ambitious. Formatting was not on my side this time ;_;
> 
> P.S. May and June struggled to find a tactful way to tell Bitty that this isn't what they were looking for, but it's okay because Bitty was expecting it. They tried their hardest to keep as much of the original material as they could, but ultimately, the only thing they kept from the team's contributions was the title. Who came up with the title? Jack, obviously. (Ugh, Jack, you don't even go here [anymore]!)
> 
> P.P.S. While the APA conventions were followed pretty faithfully for the study - feel free to use it as a guide for your own APA-using endeavors but always make sure to consult the official manual (part 1 of this series), I didn't try to follow AP conventions or anything else for either chapter of this fic because I don't know anything about journalism *sweats*
> 
> P.P.P.S. There is one tiny reference to each of these: BBC Sherlock, Cabin Pressure, and Zootopia. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**CREASE Article for The Daily**

File ∙ Edit ∙ View ∙ Insert ∙ Format ∙ Tools ∙ Table ∙ Add-ons ∙ Help ∙ Last edit was made on May 3, 2017 by Eric R. Bittle

Introduction (Tango, Whiskey)

~~Who was there? SMH, hockey royalty like Bad Bob, NHL superstars like Kent Parson and Alexei Mashkov, the rest of the Aces, the Falcs, and hockey fans. What happened? There was a hockey science conference. Where was it? Providence. When was it? April 19-20, 2017. Why was there a hockey science conference? To present findings from the field of hockey science. How does hockey science even exist? What do you mean, how? Where exactly are you going with this, anyway?~~

~~I don’t know! I just thought we could start off with these questions and then go on? All we have is:~~

On April 19-20, 2017, hockey royalty and superstars Robert “Bad Bob” Zimmermann, Jack “Zimmboni” Zimmermann, Kent Parson, and Alexei Mashkov attended a conference devoted to hockey science at the Zimmermann Ice Rink in Providence, Rhode Island. Approximately 800 attendees were present, comprising hockey fans from all walks of life. Topics discussed at the conference included the history of Stanley Cup celebrations, hockey superstitions, and a new protein powder. Samwell University alumni Justin “Ransom” Oluransi ’16 and Adam “Holster” Birkholtz ’16 also played a part in the conference, sharing details of their research concerning the role of dates in strengthening team partnerships and improving gameplay.

~~Should we define hockey science???? Does anyone actually know what it actually is?~~

| 

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 11:03 AM April 30, 2017

Tadpoles, you didn’t literally just go through the five W’s and H, did you? ...Good lord, you did.

**Tony Gonzales  
** 11:06 AM April 30, 2017

What happened to working on your own section bitty??? thanks for making pancakes btw!!!

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 11:07 AM April 30, 2017

I don't know why I thought having everyone edit the same document at the same time was a good idea. YW and I have been! I just thought I’d like to check on how it’s going since other people might want to refer to the introduction for their assigned section.  
  
---|---  
  
Public Image of Hockey/NHL stuff (Jack, Kent, Tater)

~~Hockey is stereotyped to be for white fanboys, and who could blame them? You can see it through how men’s hockey is called the NHL, while women’s hockey is the NWHL. See how men are assumed to be the default? That’s why we need a conference like the CHIRPP. Where we can get together to talk about the history of violence and homophobia and misogyny in th~~

~~Please go back to your own section, Shitty. We can handle this one just fine. BRAH.  At least, I can. Unless Kent and Tater decide to surprise me by coming up with their own section already written out at the very last second.~~

~~zimms if it makes you feel better i’m not mad at you for assuming what you did?? sorry for all the secrecy though, eric was just helping the both of us out. i’m sorry i caused all this trouble. this was the last in the long line of fuck-ups on my part and… some part of me always hoped we’d be good again one day, but i know i’ve done shitty stuff to you and i just keep on doing it. i know my chances of getting to reconcile with you now are nil, but i’d just like you to know that i’m sorry. i mean it~~

~~Zimmboni I'm sorry too.~~

The NHL has made great strides to broaden and diversify its fan base with social activism campaigns like You Can Play. One recent effort was through organizing the CHIRPP, which aimed to seek out fans who may be more interested in the academic or statistical elements of hockey, rather than the physical aspects. Despite the rivalry between the Aces and the Falconers, both teams agreed to come together to organize this event because both teams are committed to making hockey a welcoming, inclusive space.

~~oh cmon zimms~~

| 

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 11:27 AM April 30, 2017

Boys, why can’t you just text or call each other on the phone and communicate like people who recognize that there’s a time and place for serious discussions like this? 

**Justin Olurans** **i-Birkholtz**  
11:28 AM April 30, 2017

SHHH BITS LET THEM HAVE THIS

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 11:33 AM April 30, 2017

Jack, honey, I’m sorry, too. I kept it a secret because Tater first reached out to me a few months after you came out to the team, as he wanted to come out as well. He mentioned not dating someone at the moment but that there WAS someone he had in mind but was too shy to talk to, and after a few mini pies, he let slip that it was Kent. Later on, he must have thought Ransom and Holster’s research would be a good icebreaker? But he didn’t realize that the Aces would get so involved.

Then the three of us started talking more and I mentioned that I wanted to do something for you and asked if they could help, since they’re also on the planning committee. I didn’t realize you’d interpret it as them both having designs on me.

I had wanted to propose at the conference because even though you hid it, I know you were really pleased that there was going to be an academic hockey conference, with graphs and history and data and research, and then I thought, well, what could be a more romantic location to propose to Jack Zimmermann than the CHIRPP?

I'm also sorry that immediately after the CHIRPP I seemed really angry, even though I was overjoyed; I was embarrassed that we (as in all of SMH) found yet another way to make a spectacle of ourselves at such a big event and then got kicked out and probably embarrassed you, too. People already weren't taking me seriously as the first out captain of a NCAA hockey team, and then I took that frustration out on you.

So I’m real sorry, baby, that I prioritized keeping my surprise for you a secret over your feelings and then reacted poorly in the aftermath. There's no one out there for me but you, and I hope that what happened at the conference cleared that up. Love you!  
  
Hockey Academia History (Jack)

It all began in the fall of 1944…

Works Cited (to be cleaned up later)

  * Nicholas & Jean-Claude 1944 Name fission in the context of hockey. _Hockey Eh?_
  * Hugo 1985, _An Unauthorized History of Hockey Science_
  * Our Very Own Archive about page: ovoa.cn/about
  * _Hockey, A People’s History_ , McKinley 2006
  * Hugo 2003, _Hockey Science is Dead (Sequel to the Unauthorized History of Hockey Science)_
  * Nicholas & Jean-Claude 2005, _Hockey Science is Dead but Fine_
  * Hugo 2006, _There is No Hope for the Future of Hockey Science_
  * Nicholas & Jean-Claude 2007, _Yes There Is: A Response to Hugo (2006)_
  * Hugo 2008, _No There Isn’t: A Response to Nicholas_ _& Jean-Claude (2007) _ (blogspot post of self-published e-book)



braaaaaaaaaaaah. is this your second senior thesis or a short blurb introducing hockey science to a mainstream audience? well, as mainstream as the daily could be. also, i can't believe you churned out 5k hockey scientists rpf, complete with historical context

They're married!

It's canon!

| 

**Kent V. Parson**  
8:52 AM, May 2, 2017

good to know some things never change, huh? this is just like when we were in high school/the Q

**Jack L. Zimmermann  
** 9:01 AM, May 2, 2017 

Haha. Yeah.

**Jack L. Zimmermann  
** 9:02 AM, May 2, 2017

Kent, I’m sorry for throwing that protein powder all over you. I hope it didn’t get anywhere too uncomfortable.

**Jack L. Zimmermann**  
9:05 AM, May 2, 2017

We still owe each other a lot of apologies, but frankly, I don’t know if I’m ready for that. If ever. But I’m happy that you look happier nowadays. Congratulations on coming out. I wish you and Tater the best. I hope you’ll forgive my transgressions at the conference.

**Kent V. Parson**  
12:07 PM, May 2, 2017

ofc! and thanks zimms that means a lot

**Jack L. Zimmermann**  
12:25 PM, May 2, 2017

Shitty, what's RPF? Holster, what's canon?

**John Johnson  
** 12:34 PM, May 2, 2017

you and bitty  
  
Accessibility to Casual Hockey Fans (Nora, Lane, Mari, Noelle)

I mean, I understood what was going on and I know next to nothing about hockey? What else are we supposed to say here? Mari Nurse-Díaz

That’s because you’re an accountant, Mari. Numbers are your life Nora Malik-Oakes

Don’t you have to look at numbers too Nora? You’re the journalist! You have to translate/interpret numbers for public consumption. I just have to talk to a few other data-driven people about them for a living. Anyway, it wasn’t all numbers Mari Nurse-Díaz

I know for me that the conference did a better job explaining some of this hockey stuff than Derek ever did Lane Malik-Oakes

And who knew there was so much stuff going on in addition to the actual game? How come no one ever told me about how they’re studying how to get the perfect hockey butt? I want a hockey butt Noelle Nurse-Díaz

I want you to want a hockey butt too Mari Nurse-Díaz

| 

**Derek M. Nurse  
** 11:43 AM, April 30, 2017

moms…  
  
Samwell’s Research Contributions (Ransom, Holster)

oUr study examined the Role of dAtes in forming friendships among members of our hoCkey team. we performed a thoroUgh examination of how Two indIviduals who go out on datEs Will affect theIr friendship, Their on-ice partnership, and tHeir hockey gAme. we defined a date as Being where twO peOple who like each other go out and have fun. unforTunately, while thorough, we did neglect to control for abilitY. ~~because we forgot.~~  but our results still stand!

~~Because one of us is a silly Canadian who gave alcohol to underage individuals.~~

~~bro do you HAVE to bring that up. it was an honest mistake!!! honestly america’s the backward one. and can you PLEASE stop giving the words i just typed random capitals in the middle of the damn word~~

~~THAT WASN’T ME~~

~~our UPCOMING research will be about hockey buttz!!! :3 BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS~~

~~wtf holtzy did you write that~~

~~NO GOD NONE OF THAT WAS ME~~

~~figured…last time you did that was freshman year~~

~~So I checked the edit history on the doc and then looked at who this doc is shared with and there are two with the same domain, but I don’t recognize it. WTF is netzero.com~~

~~fuck i see it too jenny@netzero.com and mandy@netzero.com who tf are they ~~

~~Rans, babe, you’re not going to like this. Netzero.com is apparently a domain that was popular in the 90s...~~

~~NO~~

| 

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 11:22 AM, April 30, 2017 

Please stay on task. Also, Georgia wants to take a look at this before we give it over to May and June, so PLEASE REMOVE ALL REFERENCES TO UNDERAGE DRINKING BEFORE THAT HAPPENS

**Adam Oluransi-Birkholtz  
** 11:23 AM, April 30, 2017 

1) OH SHIT 2) RANS IS HAVING A CRISIS  
  
Observations of the On-Ice Assessment Demonstrations (Chowder)

Nursey and Dex were so good! You could just see how well they connected on ice! Even blindfolded they could tell where the other person was on the ice! I’m so glad hockey science survived to witness this glorious moment! They are so graceful together when they’re on the ice! Even when they’re not talking to each other. Not that that was what happened because they were definitely on good terms with each other. At the time of the conference.

I am so proud of what they’ve accomplished in the time I’ve known them because they didn’t let setbacks put them off their goal of working together for good. Dex was always worried that Nursey would get sick of how “uptight” he was, and Nursey was always worried that his own desire to be open about his sexuality/relationships would get the best of him and he’d end up pressuring Dex about being out. Things weren’t always perfect for them but they really worked on communicating freely and openly with each other. I’m so proud of them!!! They were brilliant on that ice!!! They made me, Ransom, Holster, Nicholas, Jean-Claude, and the rest of the team SO proud!!!!!!! They KILLED IT on that ice!!!!!

As for when Nursey/Dex was performing the assessments with the others, they were alright. Store-bought pie when we were eating Bitty’s pies every day.

| 

**William J. J. Poindexter  
** 11:45 AM, April 30, 2017

Nursey… you never told me that.

**Derek M. Nurse  
** 11:53 AM, April 30, 2017 

haha surprise? gtg bitty’s going around the haus again to check on our progress and he’s only letting ppl working hard get a second muffin

bitty if you’re reading this i promise to wash all the dishes if i can get another muffin thank you for brunch <3

**Kent V. Parson  
** 5:14 PM, May 1, 2017 

harsh much?

**Alexei Mashkov  
** 5:20 PM, May 2, 2017 

But true.  
  
Stand-Out Presentations (Bitty, Lardo, Shitty)

_Eat More Protein: Making Protein-Rich Foods Palatable_.

The protein one was fantastic. Jack’s protein powder is absolutely vile and I refuse to go near it, so when I sampled the one at the CHIRPP, I fell in love! AND it can be used in baking, as a replacement for sugar! The scientists were nice enough to give me some so that I could try baking with it, so that’s what I did. I was making maple sugar apple pie, with the recipe from an earlier video [add pop-up to that video]. Keep in mind that it’s not a 1:1 ratio if you’re going to use the protein powder. It’s one-third cup of protein powder per cup of sugar…

| 

**Jack L. Zimmermann  
** 12:43 PM, April 30, 2017 

Are you writing a blurb for the conference or a transcript for your next baking video? Haha.

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 12:50 PM, April 30, 2017 

Jack, if you’re chirping me, does that mean you’re not mad at me anymore?

**Jack L. Zimmermann  
** 12:53 PM, April 30, 2017 

I wasn’t mad at you. I was… jealous. I thought maybe Kent and Tater liked you. I mean, who wouldn’t? And I thought maybe you’d be happier with either of them? I started to doubt myself, and then my anxiety… I shouldn’t have jumped to any conclusions.

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 12:55 PM, April 30, 2017 

Baby, let me say again that I am SO sorry for not explaining, because while yes, you did assume wrongly, it wasn’t baseless. I got so caught up with wanting to surprise you that I wasn’t thinking about how you might be reading my behavior. We haven’t really talked about what happened since then? Since we’ve both been busy. I know you said yes, but I don’t know if it was just because you didn’t want to say no in front of everyone, but just know that I love you with every fiber of my being and then some, and I will understand if you would rather say no.

**Jack L. Zimmermann  
** 1:33 PM, April 30, 2017 

Sorry Georgia called me and I just got off the phone. Not every grain?

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 1:35 PM, April 30, 2017 

What?

**Jack L. Zimmermann  
** 1:38 PM, April 30, 2017

You don’t love me with every grain of your being?

And like hell I’m taking that “yes” back. We’re getting married, Bittle. I love you too. 

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 1:39 PM, April 30, 2017 

HONEY I’M CRYING YOU CAN’T JUST

**Jack L. Zimmermann  
** 1:40 PM, April 30, 2017 

No time to cry, you should get to rewriting this thing so that it doesn’t read like one of your videos, Mssr Bittle. :)

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 1:42 PM, April 30, 2017 

Please, Mssr. Bittle is going to be my HUSBAND :) :) :)

NOT THAT I’M ASSUMING ANYTHING

**Jack L. Zimmermann  
** 1:43 PM, April 30, 2017 

But you assumed correctly. Get to writing; I’m almost done with mine already. Mr. Bittle. :)

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 1:43 PM, April 30, 2017 

JACK I

**B. S. Knight  
** 4:00 AM, May 1, 2017 

law school is killing me but this was so cute that i don’t have the heart to fine you

**Larissa Duan  
** 11:20 AM, May 1, 2017

i do. pay up bitty - it's the last time you're paying fines to the smh team venmo

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 11: 22 AM, May 1, 2017

Don't REMIND ME. I'M CRYING AGAIN

**Justin Oluransi-Birkholtz  
** 12:22 PM, May 1, 2017

great, you broke him

**Adam Oluransi-Birkholtz**  
12:24 PM, May 1, 2017

I'm pretty sure you could make a play out of this  **Christopher Chow**  
  
_What What Hockey Butt: Effects of Diet and Exercise on Human Buttocks._

I mean, who doesn’t like butts, am I right?

| 

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 11: 25 AM, April 30, 2017

Lardo. Really? 

**Larissa Duan  
** 11:27 AM, April 30, 2017 

i happen to know someone who’s really into yours, so.

**B. S. Knight  
** 4:02 AM, May 1, 2017 

ATTABRO

**Larissa Duan  
** 4:03 AM, May 1, 2017

go the fuck to sleep shits you’re a better pillow than this cotton lump

**Adam Oluransi-Birkholtz  
** 4:10 AM, May 1, 2017

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND THAT’S A FOOOOOOOOINE 

**B. S. Knight  
** 4:15 AM, May 1, 2017 

best dollar i ever spent

**Adam Oluransi-Birkholtz  
** 4:18 AM, May 1, 2017

aaaaand that’s another dollar for romanticizing the smh alum sin bin venmo

**Larissa Duan  
** 4:19 AM, May 1, 2017

say it again, leading to holtzy fining you again and turning this into a never-ending cycle of getting fined, and i’m going to keep your name even though we both hate it

**B. S. Knight  
** 4:20 AM, May 1, 2017

good night everyone  
  
_Homoeroticism in Hockey: A History._

~~When the strictly homosocial and masculine environment of the initiation ritual is even slightly subverted, homemade pies can appear…~~

| 

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 1:23 PM, April 30, 2017 

Shitty, you CANNOT just copy and paste your entire senior thesis. And not just because you just made everyone else lag. You CANNOT.

**B. S. Knight  
** 1:26 PM, May 1, 2017 

BUT IT WAS MY MAGNUS OPUS

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 1:30 PM, April 30, 2017

1) We were KICKED OUT BEFORE WE COULD ATTEND THIS PRESENTATION

2) Don’t you think our team knows enough about this already? 

**B. S. Knight  
** 1:55 PM, May 1, 2017

…point.  
  
~~Expulsion from the Premises (Nursey, Dex)~~

~~After Bitty found the perfect sports drink-to-protein powder ratio to make solid globs of the powder, I lobbed a few at the asshole from Farvard. That was after I got a few punches in.~~

~~The security personnel rightfully did not like that, as the situation quickly erupted into a food fight. A protein-powder-glob fight? I guess protein powder could be considered food. Jack does, anyway. And Bitty now, too, since this one tastes so much better. Then we got kicked out. Anything else to add, Nursey?~~

~~we finished the last of the demonstrations right before it was time for ransom and holster’s presentation. there were 50 people standing around the rink (the ones who got selected for the aces'/falcs' giveaway, from when they were promoting the conference), watching us do everything, which had been nerve-wracking at first, but after the second time, i got used to all the eyes on us. the last of the assessments had been listening to shitty talk about social justice stuff while he skated around the ice (the assessment of sensitivity to key issues - so it was basically just Shitty on Ice).~~

~~right as we stepped off the ice, i took off my helmet, which was jack’s cue to start speaking. he and bitty had decided to come out about their relationship here, since they’d be able to do it on a more personal level than just sending out a statement and also control the narrative better since no one was allowed to record it. so jack started talking, and he had just called bitty to his side, when parse and tater showed up instead. parse grinned at him and before he could finish saying the word “sorry,” jack had already opened a container of protein powder and dumped it all over him (this floor had the ice rink and also served as the storage area). (he was so grim-faced but thank goodness everyone else just thought they were doing a scripted bit and laughed.) then he opened another container of it and poured it all over tater, too. that was sort of anticlimactic since tater’s taller and jack had to get on his tip toes to get it over his head.~~

~~i guess from far away it looked like jack had poured glitter over them? (maybe this is the no-bromo version of glitterbombing? i mean idk how else to explain the reasoning behind what happened next)~~

~~that was when the worst of both worlds (a fartvard dude AND a lax bro) opened his mouth to say, “is it just me or has this whole thing just been really gay?”~~

~~it was beyond hot to watch dex go from vaguely uncomfortable-tense (because of what happened between us) to angry-tense; his back straightened almost immediately, his glare intensified, and he not so much as took off his helmet as he tore it off. like damn.~~

~~“excuse me,” dex growled. “what the fuck did you just say.”~~

~~as the fartvard lax bro with no sense of self-preservation repeated himself, dex clomped over to where bitty was standing, frozen, by the protein powder boxes (this floor had the ice rink and also served as the storage area). he was still in his knife shoes and as graceful on the floor as he was on the ice in them. i walked over to them, too.~~

~~“you okay?” dex asked bitty.~~

~~bitty didn’t answer. he was still staring at the lax bro. part of the room was quiet, waiting to see what one of us was going to do next, while most people were listening to tater make his coming out speech.~~

~~“seriously, what’s up with the dates? with the researchers even calling them dates to begin with? why not just call it two friends hanging out? why is the whole team dating each other? what kind of sjw bullsh—”~~

~~in the time the fartvard lax bro said that, dex had shucked his skates, raced over, and slammed a fist into his chin. and then another. "that was fucking homophobic and you know it. don’t say it again.”~~

~~dex walked back to us again, when fartvard smirked and wiped at his chin. “not to mention, what’s up with the guys who play hockey at samwell? why are there so many of you who don’t look like you can actually play? yeah i’m talking about your captain and the one who was with you on the ice.”~~

~~dex didn’t turn. instead, he opened a gatorade from the refreshments table, dumped some powder on the table, and poured a capful of it into the powder. he mashed it with his hands a few times and then threw it at fartvard’s head.~~

~~then, well, i’m not sure what happened. by then kent and tater had already made their own coming out statements and had taken some of the protein powder they were covered in and thrown it back at jack, who was still looking for bitty, ransom and holster had run over to confront fartvard, and i had taken some of the protein powder and was making some globs myself, before nicholas and jean-claude took it from me and said they’d take care of making the ammo while muttering, “serves hugo right for those unauthorized hockey science histories.”~~

~~chowder had turned into his terrifying goalie self and was throwing the globs like they were heat-seeking pucks, while lardo had located holster, climbed on his shoulders, and was throwing her own. my moms, too. i heard mama’s boots clanking on the floor when i heard fartvard refer to me. shitty had walked over to talk to him more, while dodging the protein globs, which had gotten messier the more were made (that is to say, they got goopier), and i think tango and whiskey were bringing out more protein powder and gatorade. fartvard and his friends started throwing things back at us, too. evidently, they weren’t interested in not being homophobic.~~

~~then other people started throwing food (a local bakery was catering and had used the protein powder in their pastries) at fartvard and his friends, who were defending him, and then no one was listening to parse's speech, but i wasn’t really paying attention? i was just focused on how dex and i were next to each other, united in our goal to make sure this guy paid for saying that shit. out of the corner of my eye, i saw bitty kneel on one knee holding the “yo marry me jack zimmermann” sign shitty bought years ago, and i would’ve scrambled to get closer to witness bitty’s proposal, but then dex grabbed my hand. i could feel the granules of protein powder that had hardened over his calluses. i could feel some of those granules transfer to my own skin, to my wrist.~~

~~“derek.”~~

~~i couldn’t move. i felt glued to the floor, as if my skates were magnetized to the floor. the thing is, when you’re in love with somebody and then shit happens and you stop looking at each other and you get _used_ to not looking at each other… you only realize how much you’ve been hurting when you _stop_. when you look at him. when you _get to_ look at him again. so there i stood, too afraid to breathe, as i just stared.~~

~~god, he’s _lovely_. i never want to not look at him again. his freckles go all over, but i think they’re loveliest on his nose and his cheekbones. he also has the most beautiful eyelashes and i can’t even begin to think about his eyes, because then i think about the first time i saw his pupils dilate in response to the sight of  _me._   _me!_~~

~~“derek,” he said again, and he must have thought that i was uncomfortable, because his face just crumpled and i could feel my heart collapsing within itself and he let go of my hand and began to turn away, when i grabbed him back and pulled him to me.~~

~~“will,” i said, and i’m not afraid to admit that my voice cracked.~~

~~“derek, i’m so sorry for everything—”~~

~~“i love you, can we please—”~~

~~it felt as time had stopped, even though raging around us was a sitcom-worthy food fight for the ages (and a proposal).~~

~~i'm not even going to pretend it didn’t happen: i then jumped into his arms, skates still on (we discovered a while ago that we can bench press each other, so). “baby,” i said, our foreheads touching.~~

~~then he kissed me and i kissed him back and it was wonderful. at some point he moved us a few steps forward so that my back was against the wall, in the back corner, where we were covered by all the storage boxes and it was dusty but i didn’t care. i felt euphoric.~~

~~“i love you too,” he whispered and bumped his nose gently against mine before kissing me again, pulling at my bottom lip with his teeth.~~

~~“we still have stuff to talk about,” i whispered, as i stroked the back of his neck to soothe him, as he had tensed temporarily, “but will you take me back?”~~

~~“can’t take back what never left,” he said, smiling, and we kissed again. we didn’t stop kissing until someone with a megaphone asked for “any individuals affiliated with jack zimmermann” to come follow them out. someone else with a megaphone also called for fartvard and his bros.~~

~~which was, of course, when we were expelled from the premises~~

~~#no chill tag #The Boy #that hockey experiment #long post - #fuck Harvard #fartvard lax bros #ffffuck the lax bros~~

~~anything else i forgot?~~

~~Yeah, so I did do that.~~

**[REDACTED]**

| 

**William J. J. Poindexter  
** 11:54 AM, April 30, 2017

…you wrote the whole thing. Without capitalization.

The eggs are going to kill you, since they’re doing the copy-editing.

BITTY is going to kill you.

**Derek M. Nurse  
** 11:58 AM, April 30, 2017

you read all that and that’s all you have to say? babe :(

**William J. J. Poindexter  
** 12:07 PM, April 30, 2017

I mean, I’m not disputing any of it.

**Derek M. Nurse  
** 11:58 AM, April 30, 2017

plus you know this was copy-pasted from my blog. well before i change names and stuff, so like it makes sense?

**William J. J. Poindexter  
** 12:07 PM, April 30, 2017

I’m just saying, it was nice knowing you.

**Derek M. Nurse  
** 1:40 PM, April 30, 2017

it was nice knowing YOU. you barely wrote anything!

**Jack L. Zimmermann  
** 1:39 PM, April 30, 2017

You haven’t posted this yet, have you? To your blog or anywhere else

**Derek M. Nurse  
** 1:40 PM, April 30, 2017

no it’s sitting in my drafts

**Jack L. Zimmermann  
** 1:42 PM, April 30, 2017

I just got off the phone with Georgia, and she says that under no circumstances can this get out. The getting kicked out and why we got kicked out, I mean. Mirabel said that Nicholas and Jean-Claude haven’t stopped talking about the CHIRPP since it ended and they’re just so much more energetic and happier than she’s seen them lately. If word gets out that VIP members at the CHIRPP pelted attendees with bricks made of protein powder, they’ll never be able to hold another CHIRPP again, and Mirabel really wants the CHIRPP to keep going, to make her grandfathers happy.

The gentleman from the Fartvard LAX team has agreed to settle this quietly instead of going to court for the injuries he has suffered, and Georgia’s also sending over NDAs for everyone to sign, since we were kicked out before they gave those out to everyone in the room. Kent’s playing in Boston tonight, and Georgia just dropped the NDAs off for him, and then he’s driving to the Haus to give them to the team. Sign them by tomorrow morning, and I’ll drive over to pick them up.

**Jack L. Zimmermann  
** 2:04 PM, April 30, 2017

Also, to fill you in on what you missed: Kent asked Tater out at the end of his own coming out speech, and Bits had some flashcards he was going to read from, but he was so nervous that he dropped them.

**B. S. Knight  
** 2:18 PM, April 30, 2017

oh c’mon don’t expose him like this

**Eric R. Bittle  
** 2:27 PM, April 30, 2017

So, giving everyone the same document to work with was probably not the greatest idea?

But at the same time, making sure everyone was working in their own separate space was. At least for Nursey and Dex. Because they didn’t distract each other and Nursey got to write all of this down. It’s just a shame that we can’t publish any of it. Sorry, Nursey, that you wrote all of that for nothing :(

But it looks like we’ve written all we could so I’ll send it over to May and June. I can see all of your cursors on my screen so I know you’re peeking at and reading through what everyone else has written, which makes this a great time for me to call you to the kitchen for PIE! THANKS FOR DOING THIS, EVERYONE! <3 (Jack, Kent, Tater, I’ll give you your pies later, since you’ll be coming around tonight)

**Christopher Chow  
** 4:52 PM, April 30, 2017

i’m so glad cait was there to witness it since we can’t tell anybody <3

**William J. J. Poindexter  
** 1:40 AM, May 1, 2017

Bitty, Nursey didn’t write it for nothing. Now we’ll always remember this moment.

**William J. J. Poindexter  
** 1:42 AM, May 1, 2017

I mean, I think I'll remember this for the rest of my life even without Nursey's written account, but I like it. I really do.

**Derek M. Nurse  
** 1:43 AM, May 1, 2017

AW B A B E ! ! ! ! ! <3  
  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe Nursey got to the point where he uses caps AND exclamation points.....
> 
> Also:  
> Bitty: stop working through your issues on the google doc. do it on your own time  
> Bitty: *does not follow his own directions*  
> what a hypocrite.
> 
> Anyway, I cannot believe I wrote a whole series in like three months? One that exceeded 50k words? I have not ever written a long thing like this, so this was quite the experience. I feel like this is my magnus opus. All I really remember from this experience is having these periods of like 3-4 days where I'd do nothing but write, with little time spent sleeping (which happens not too often, but when it happens, it happens), and by the end of it, I usually cannot language anymore and cannot tell if what I've written makes sense/is funny to anyone else but me. Tonight is one of those nights, so thanks so much for sticking with me for so long even though I've been sporadic in updating, etc and liking what has come out of these surreal nights! I reread the nice things people have written to me often when I need a pick-me-up <3
> 
> While I am marking this series complete, I am still willing to write more in this series - not so much as in anything plot-heavy, as I have no more ideas and do not know enough about academia to half-assedly put hockey science into that context and am not interested in dragging it out anymore, but extras. 
> 
> If you have any ideas for what you'd like to see or prompts or whatever, feel free to send them over to me (though as you are already familiar, I may not be able to write it promptly). 
> 
> I have an omgcp sideblog (omgcphee), where I reblog things and sometimes think of weird omgcp-related things at night.
> 
> *explodes quietly*


End file.
